Hookup Culture 101

“It was just a hookup,” Staci said. “It didn’t mean anything.” But her eyes shifted sideways and her neck flushed ever so slightly.

Hookup Culture. Those of us not involved are often clueless. And, as a therapist working in university communities for 40 years, I can tell you that many of the participants are often feeling their way in the dark (literally and metaphorically.)

So, here is a Cliff Notes version of my “Hookup Culture 101” talk. While some version of hookup culture exists from middle-school on, it is most entrenched, with more defined rituals and norms, during college years.

How is a hookup different from a culture?

Lots of ‘older folks’ tend to think of a hookup in terms of a ‘one-night stand.’ So, no big deal. But a ‘one-night stand’ is often an anomaly. It is not an assimilated normative behavior. And a one-night stand often evolves out of a sense of connection, two people experiencing mutual and intense attraction.

Hookup Culture is a culture, with collective norms, rituals and behaviors that a group of people share. Not everyone of a certain age, but a percentage. While the numbers fluctuate, let’s estimate that roughly 33% of university students participate in hookup culture, 33% are marginally involved and 33% want nothing to do with it.

A culture is predicated on group expectations of certain behaviors (i.e. that you should be hooking up.) To not do so is to fail in some way. Somehow, this ‘have fun,’ loosen up, not get ‘serious.’ College is about freedom — and sexual abandon is one means of expressing that freedom.

Here are a few norms and rituals of the culture:

Dress Code: Women have to look, as Lisa Wade described in her riveting and meticulously researched book, American Hookup, “fuckable.” Men can grab a clean shirt and jeans. Women have a lot more to consider: how much breast is on display, or thigh, how short or maneuverable the skirt, etc. It’s complicated.

Alcohol: Excessive drinking is an imperative. Sobriety is suspect and people who do not drink can be judged harshly. Alcohol consumption is then used to rationalize, excuse or justify behavior that one might not do sober. “I was so wasted” is nothing to be embarrassed about because everyone does it. “I wanna get shit-faced” is a goal, not an aberration. Many attest that drinking to sloppy excess makes them less anxious, less-inhibited and more confident. Drinking starts at the pre-party, getting ready, with having a few shots to unwind before getting shit-faced.

Grinding: Remember the classic 1987 movie, “Dirty Dancing?” That looks like Sunday School compared to grinding. Picture a group of girls in the middle of a dance floor swaying their arms and provocatively moving their hips. The girl may make eye-contact with a boy, but then look away. A boy will approach a gyrating girl from behind and plant himself against the girl’s ass. She can then check out the cues from her friend, either on the floor or on the sidelines, as to whether the guy is hot enough to engage with… and, if not, skitter away. Or they may gyrate together, rubbing penis against buttocks while feigning conspicuous disinterest. If they do feel interest, a move is made to actually face each other. Just turning around can be an invite to escalate the physical contact. Talking is minimal. Think dry-humping in public, often with a stranger, and being scrutinized. No one ever, ever, asks someone to dance (that would be creepy.)

The Hookup: A hookup can be any form of sexual engagement, from intercourse to blow jobs to hand jobs to just making out. So, “I hooked up last night” can describe a variety of behaviors and is often intentionally vague. In the culture, the point is to score with someone “hot,” so you can boast about it. The telling in Hookup Culture is often more significant than the sexual act itself. Social status ebbs and flows based on the quality, measured in hotness factors, of hookups. (Intellect, communication, shared interests, anything to do with values… none of that matters, and, indeed, is often unknown.) Male orgasm as an outcome is common and expected. For the women, pleasing a guy may be all the satisfaction they get. The goal is to have random sex, not initiate a relationship: physical, sexual contact without attaching any meaning to it. Expressing emotional needs is ‘pathetic.’ Appearing needy is most ‘pathetic.’ Attachment is to be avoided. Repeat hookups can lead to “feelings” which are dangerous. After a hookup, people will often act cold or distant just to reinforce that “it” didn’t mean anything.

Consent: Consent is problematic. Cultural norms seem to say that being present at certain gatherings (frat parties, certain bars and clubs, etc.) is de facto consent to, at the very least, be groped. The degree of inebriation of all participants makes picking up on subtle cues or change-of-heart challenging, as well as diminishing the ability of young women to effectively communicate. The collective expectation is that any expression of “Hey” is consent to engage in some form of sexual activity. “Consent” is a complex and unresolved issue. Really, it’s a mess.

Why Hookup? Because it seems like fun, and everyone doing it seems to be having fun. Or at least talks a good game. Some young women see it as a form of emancipation, that they can be as ‘sexual-absent-commitment’ as any guy. They also see it as a way to not get entangled in a relationship at a young age when they have professional and personal goals that they do not want encumbered by having to balance or compromise (especially in a society that still expects women to follow a male partner’s career path, and geographic moves, more than it ever expects a man to adapt to a female partner’s career goals.) Some young women describe a sense of power, especially when they get ‘chosen.’ Other young women describe feeling objectified — — more ‘meat-market’ — — and empty after a hookup. But, as one girl told me, “I must be doing something wrong because everyone else is having fun.”

As far as why young men hookup? Because they can. Some relish the competitive aspects and boasting. Other guys, along with some women, share feeling discounted and dissatisfied. And, for a very small minority, just 6–8% of men who participate, hookup culture is a cover to assault with impunity.

But most young women and men do it because it is an entrenched part of a culture they find themselves surrounded by when they enter university. They may initially resist, but that’s hard when “everyone’s doing it.” Some experiment and then walk away. Others get ‘hooked.’

For an illuminating history of how hookup culture developed, read Lisa Wade. She nails it.

So, thank you for reading this brief introduction to some of the norms and behaviors of hookup culture.

In the future, I’ll explore, more briefly, such gripping topics as “How Hookup Culture is a F****** Scam,” “A Case for Orgasm Equality,“ “The Death of Evidence: Bye-Bye DNA, Hello Hookup,” “Consent-ish,” and “Why We Need to Change the Statutes for Rape if We Ever Want Convictions.”

And if you think I’m just some morally scrupulous old lady with a stick up her ass, think again. We didn’t have a sexual revolution, a feminist movement, to end up here. This is some serious shit going down.

But, hey, it’s all “fun.”

Susan Kraus, MSW, LSCSW is a therapist, high-conflict post-divorce mediator… and writes-writes-writes. Her third novel, Insufficient Evidence, tackles campus sexual assault in hookup culture — — the interface with law enforcement, DA’s, IOA, friendships, families — — and asks if retribution is ever justified when the justice system fails?